Ramblings...

*sigh*

I don't know what's wrong with me at the moment. I'm feeling really emotional, and the slightest thing is making me tearful. I was watching Emmerdale (ok, I admit it! I like Emmerdale!! Happy now?!?) and some guy said something nice to his girlfriend, and I nearly burst into tears! I only didn't cos I was at my gran's, & I hate crying in front of people. Only a couple of people have seen me cry actually, and that was several years ago. And I think one of the times I was drunk; that's why I hardly drink now. Anyway, as I was saying, my emotions are really near the surface, and I feel like if I could just really cry then I'd feel better... but I'm not sure what I'd be crying about.

I used to like this time of year, there's something really special about this part of the year... almost mystical, and a time for sadness and reflection and resting, but now it's just making me feel depressed, and I'm scared if I get into that state I won't get out of it again. I used to like the sadness, and sitting around listening to sad songs & moping about - there's something really self indulgent about it, and okay, probably quite selfish too. ...but this year I realised I didn't need it any more. Though I think I'm so used to feeling like that, that it's become a sort of habit, and feels safe. I thought I'd avoid feeling like this this year, after having a good year generally, but the melancholy's back and I cant seem to shake it.
This year was the first year in ages that I actually felt genuinely happy and positive about the future. I'd worked out what I wanted to do, after years of just doing art because I was good at it, but I had never thought whether I actually wanted to. People just assumed I must do, as I was good at it. Which is fair enough I suppose, and a logical conclusion, but it meant I didn't really have a say in the matter, and what's more, I didn't realise that! If I had then it may have been different. Or maybe not, I dunno.
So anyway, for some reason it always had to be art or music, and I think I made the wrong choice... I should've kept art as a hobby and concentrated on music. Not that I'd change it if I could go back, knowing who and what I know now; if I hadn't studied Illustration at Derby then I would never have met so many wonderful people, and that includes my online friends too!
Anyway, the past year was just spent waiting for uni to be over so I could concentrate on music again, and though uni was tedious, I felt brilliant just knowing what I wanted to do at last! I'd done really well convincing myself I could do anything (well, within reason. Mostly anyway...) and I really did believe that if I tried hard enough, had enough confidence (which I was well on the way to getting) and made the right contacts, with a little bit of luck thrown in, then I could succeed in what I want to do. I had so much hope and enthusiasm (dunno where it came from!!)
Everything was inspiring me, and I wasn't bothered about things anymore. I'd not much liked summertime before, but this year everything was made better because I felt so confident about things. But now... I don't know what's happened - I know I will feel different, as Bean said, but I need to feel different now. It's crippling, this feeling; I can't do anything.