Song of the Moment.....

'Life for Rent' by Dido

I haven't ever really found a place that I call home,
I never stick around quite long enough to make it.
I apologize that once again I'm not in love,
But it's not as if I mind that your heart ain't exactly breaking,
It's just a thought, only a thought...

But if my life is for rent, and I don't learn to buy,
Well I deserve nothing more than I get,
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

I've always thought that I would love to live by the sea,
To travel the world alone and live more simply.
I have no idea what's happened to that dream,
Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me...
It's just a thought, only a thought,

But if my life is for rent, and I don't learn to buy,
Well I deserve nothing more than I get,
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down,
While I'm so afraid to fail so I won't even try,
Well how can I say I'm alive?

But if my life is for rent, and I don't learn to buy,
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine...

Ramblings...

*sigh*

I don't know what's wrong with me at the moment. I'm feeling really emotional, and the slightest thing is making me tearful. I was watching Emmerdale (ok, I admit it! I like Emmerdale!! Happy now?!?) and some guy said something nice to his girlfriend, and I nearly burst into tears! I only didn't cos I was at my gran's, & I hate crying in front of people. Only a couple of people have seen me cry actually, and that was several years ago. And I think one of the times I was drunk; that's why I hardly drink now. Anyway, as I was saying, my emotions are really near the surface, and I feel like if I could just really cry then I'd feel better... but I'm not sure what I'd be crying about.

I used to like this time of year, there's something really special about this part of the year... almost mystical, and a time for sadness and reflection and resting, but now it's just making me feel depressed, and I'm scared if I get into that state I won't get out of it again. I used to like the sadness, and sitting around listening to sad songs & moping about - there's something really self indulgent about it, and okay, probably quite selfish too. ...but this year I realised I didn't need it any more. Though I think I'm so used to feeling like that, that it's become a sort of habit, and feels safe. I thought I'd avoid feeling like this this year, after having a good year generally, but the melancholy's back and I cant seem to shake it.
This year was the first year in ages that I actually felt genuinely happy and positive about the future. I'd worked out what I wanted to do, after years of just doing art because I was good at it, but I had never thought whether I actually wanted to. People just assumed I must do, as I was good at it. Which is fair enough I suppose, and a logical conclusion, but it meant I didn't really have a say in the matter, and what's more, I didn't realise that! If I had then it may have been different. Or maybe not, I dunno.
So anyway, for some reason it always had to be art or music, and I think I made the wrong choice... I should've kept art as a hobby and concentrated on music. Not that I'd change it if I could go back, knowing who and what I know now; if I hadn't studied Illustration at Derby then I would never have met so many wonderful people, and that includes my online friends too!
Anyway, the past year was just spent waiting for uni to be over so I could concentrate on music again, and though uni was tedious, I felt brilliant just knowing what I wanted to do at last! I'd done really well convincing myself I could do anything (well, within reason. Mostly anyway...) and I really did believe that if I tried hard enough, had enough confidence (which I was well on the way to getting) and made the right contacts, with a little bit of luck thrown in, then I could succeed in what I want to do. I had so much hope and enthusiasm (dunno where it came from!!)
Everything was inspiring me, and I wasn't bothered about things anymore. I'd not much liked summertime before, but this year everything was made better because I felt so confident about things. But now... I don't know what's happened - I know I will feel different, as Bean said, but I need to feel different now. It's crippling, this feeling; I can't do anything.

I met Steve Knightley!!!

Woohoo! I finally met Steve Knightley, my hero!

Ok so he looks a little confused... and I look like I'm about to collapse and die, but still!! Weyyyyy! *boogies*

Erm, yes, that'll be all for now *goes away & faints*

Sigh

I can totally understand how people can get to a certain age, having not done anything they wanted to do, and be completely bored and unsatisfied with their life. It was never meant to be that way, but somehow it just turned out like that, and for whatever reason, your real goals aren't an option any more,or you dont believe you can achieve them any more etc.
I guess this is because in order to do everything you always wanted to do, ultimately you have to be selfish, or at least act in a way & make decisions which will make it seem that way to others. So, either you can be completely selfless and think about other people and their feelings, which feels like the right thing to do, but might leave you completely stuck and kind of second best to yourself (which seems completely wrong.) It may make you feel good about yourself to do things for other people, but might get you nowhere in the end, having always thought that you 'big break' or whatever would come later, and be more deserved because you put on hold the things you wanted for yourself.
The other option is: you can concentrate solely on yourself, maybe still with other people in mind, but choosing to do things or devote your time to things that in the end might leave others worse off. Not worse off in a huge way, but it's possible to end up thinking like: 'If only I'd done that for them, or waited a while longer to do this then it might have been better for them...' And also, there might be guilt that you didn't do enough, or even the possible resentment if you give up too much of your time and do too much. Somehow it doesn't seem possible to just balance the two.
I'm not saying having a family/partner/kids etc in any way is always a burden (it might not even be family, could be friends, or any other situation in which you feel obliged to put others first or simply forget about your needs for a while), but I think with a family you have to be selfless, which leads to what I said before. This brings me to relationships in general: as I was saying to Bean last night, if I ever got married (or was in any type of potentially long term relationship) whoever I was with would have to feel the same way as me, and not mind if I went off and did my own thing all the time. I mean, I think it's a bit unlikely to be honest... sigh. Maybe I'm just scared of commitment... I can't stand to be tied down, the same way I hate planning things! And routine!! Argh!
Even with making a living; you could concentrate on earning money, which would (perhaps for most people, not for all, obv) play a big part in your general happiness, but might mean you sacrifice your dreams (cheeeeese!!!) or don't fully enjoy your career; or on the other hand you could take a huge chance and embark on a career that probably wont bring you loads of money, but in which you would be much happier. Though the lack of money might counter that, and make you unhappy! Arg!! Why does it have to be so complicated ?! *dies*

AT LAST!!!!! *boogie*

Does anyone remember the amazingly fantastic TV series Maid Marian & her Merry Men? It ran quite a few years, from 1989 (which I didn't see first time round) until about 1993 I think, and was then and always will be the best kids program ever! Er, anyway, what was my point? Ah YES!! After literally years of waiting for it to be brought out on video (yes, video - not DVD - that's how long I've been waiting!!) series 1 & 2 are now out on DVD! And series 3 is out at the end of this month! All of which I've ordered already, obviously...

Oh, but the highlight of my day has been finding a photo of Much the Mini Mart Manager's son!! (from the Maid Marian Christmas special!) LOL! I've been completely in love with him since I was 8 years old... Here he is:

Ahh, isn't he gorgeous?? *swoons*

Er, anyway, instead of working as I'm supposed to, I've wasted the morning looking for more pictures from the show; here are a few classic ones. Some are slightly disturbing...

That's enough for now, methinks. I'd better get on with some work, before I go completely insane... I'm sure more pics will creep into my blogs from time to time :D

Folk on a Boat!!

OMG, was just talking to Rich T about canal boats (my dad said he might get one one day for holidays, & I could rent it off him & live on it most of the year! Though it may just be an excuse to get rid of me; he's even started buying me Canal Boat magazine...) when he had the amazing idea that we could turn it in to a floating folk club, and have Folk on a Boat as the name!! HOW hilarious & amazing would that be?! Bwahahahaa!! Just floating and playing and singing all day long! Would be like a never ending gig! LOL!! I just had to write it down 'cos it's such a cool idea! Ahhh, living on a boat would mean I'd never have to decide whereabouts in the country to live, 'cos I love all of England & I'm not looking forward to choosing one part of the country in which to live... anyhoo, a boat would solve that, & although I'd probably be based in a marina near here, I could travel anywhere & visit all my friends whenever I wanted! Ahhhh... *daydreams* And for protection I'd have a gorgeous German Shepherd (as in the dog, not some random burly hill dwelling boy. Although on second thoughts...)

Toby was really dumb today; we went for a really long walk down the canal, and he was doing a wee near the edge of the bank, when it crumbled, and his bottom fell in!! Derrrrrrr!!!
Not his front feet; just his bottom! I glanced at him & I almost knew it was going to happen, then I just heard a *ploop* and then there was a silly doggy with a very soggy bottom! He scrambled out, and walked off with his chin in the air like "I'm fine! I didn't just do that!!" What a stoopid dawgy. Awww!!!!

Woo! I'm rich!!!

Okay, not really, but after a summer of literally not having ANY money, a cheque for £509.10 is an extremely welcome thing. And it is quite an easy job, listing things on Ebay... boring at times, but the convenience & relative easiness makes up for that. Plus, I get to go shopping!! As a job! Now, in my opinion, you can't get much better than that LOL!

Ooh ooh, the Kate Rusby gig was AMAZING!! It definately lived up to my expectations... and has really inspired and motivated me to get on with things, especially as she never had 'proper' guitar lessons, and actually made up loads of the chords she used! Plus, she played violin when she was at primary school, but gave up 'cos she found the music she had to follow uninspiring and restrictive (sound familiar?! Hmm!) & didn't understand why there were such strict rules to playing, like the bow going up or down at certain times, & it was 'wrong' if you didn't follow it... Anyway, she's really lovely and really funny - and I bought her songbook! Yay!! Which incidentally, has a traditional song I love song called The Female Drummer, which I really wanted to be able to play, so now I have the chords n stuff for it! I didn't even know she had sung that song, so that was a stroke of luck! Tho now if I sing it it's gonna seem like it's cos she did... but I loved it before!! Meh, oh well! I really wanted the book signed, but she didn't appear for some reason after the gig... oh well, next time! All in all twas a very good evening, and I will def go to more of her gigs. Yesh!

*adds Kate Rusby to stalkage list*