NEW BLOG

I have moved bloggage - you can now find me here: http://pirate-moo.livejournal.com

Woot!

QUIZ - how rare is your personality?

Your Personality is Very Rare (INFP)

Your personality type is dreamy, romantic, elegant, and expressive. Only about 5% of all people have your personality, including 6% of all women and 4% of all men You are Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving.

How Rare Is Your Personality?

My Pirate Name

My pirate name is:

Mad Prudentilla Flint

Every pirate is a little bit crazy. You, though, are more than just a little bit. Like the rock flint, you're hard and sharp. But, also like flint, you're easily chipped, and sparky. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
part of the fidius.org network

Catch up, catch up...

Hmm, not been updating this as much as I should - naughty Moo. Tut.

AH yes, I knew there was something I was forgetting - graduation! It was all quite exciting, getting our gowns sorted etc - I felt like I should be at Hogwarts! The hat ruined it tho - bleh. Thankfully the ceremony went quite quickly, and it was quite satisfying to see that Jane was wearing an outfit even more ridiculous than ours - Alex said she looked like a pirate! Not a cool one tho, a nerdy one imo.



So anyway, I was glad to get it out of the way to be honest; I an finally forget about uni. I can't believe uni still had a hold on me and was causing me stress even though I left 8 months ago! Oh, and I never payed my £30 library fine, so NERRRR!!

I stayed in Derby for a few days before the actual graduaton - me & Bean stayed at a random B&B on the outskirts. It was a bit yellow, and there were odd noises in the night :-/ And the mattresses were those awful spring filled ones; probably the landlord's family's cast-offs... *shudder* And as for the duvets... they werent even duvets!! Well, they were trying to be, but they were only an inch thick!

Aaanyhoo, the Book Cafe was of course visited, where a good few members of the Tea Appreciation Society were reunited, catching up for lost tea drinkage. Ah, I long for the day when every member gathers in the same tea drinking establishment. One day, one day...



What else, what else...

Been a lot on the news over the last few days about that ship that's stranded off the Devon coats - the effect on the environment could be devastating, and apparently may take 10 YEARS to sort... As for the looters - I know it's awful that some of it is actually peoples personal belongings, but all that commercial snuff just floating around - you'd never have to buy shampoo again! There's something oddly primal about looting - almost instinctive perhaps. Hmm.

Enough randomness, I'm suddenly bored. *wanders off*

Arg, mega neglectamentation of the bloggage!!

Oh well, I'd better try and recall the last few weeks...

I had SUCH an amazing time in Cornwall! St Ives was exactly as I imagined it to be, it was simply stunning. I've always loved the sea, but this was something else... I walked on the beach and I wanted to cry it was so beautiful! (haha that makes me sound like such a loser!) I'd love to live there actually... it's one place I think I could stay for a decent amount of time. Usually I cant stay in one place so long - that's why I almost had a breakdown at uni!! But I could really see myself living in st Ives. Everyone is so friendly! And the air's so fresh; I need fresh air. The B&B as basic but nice, and the owners friendly, if a little odd. LOADS of lovely shops... though nowhere in St Ives could I buy a CD walkman... hmm.
On the Thursday I met Dicky and Jess (yay!) but I had been loitering on the wrong beach LOL! Ah, the tardness of me. We had a lovely day of tea & hot chocolate drinkage, and general wandering about.



Arg, vagueness... it's all getting a bit hazy now; I should have written it down straightaway! Oh well, the few people who read this I've already told, so it doesn't really matter. Ah yes, perhaps it was not the brightest of ideas, but we attempted to climb Zennor Hill (because Martha Tilston sings a lovely song about it!) Anyway, it is a lot larger and steeper than it looks... I swear I lost about a stone in weight! But we got about 3/4 of the way up, which isn't too bad lol! Oh and on the way back down we managed to lose what little path there was! Sigh.


High on Zennor Hill!!


Pretty seaside town :)







Anyhoo, all in all it was an amazing few days, and just what I needed. But I wanna go back!!! I still have sand and bracken in my boots. Sigh.

QUIZ: What Kind of Soul Are You?

You Are a Traveler Soul

You're a thrill seeker who loves to be active and on the move You love to wander: between places, ideas, and people. A good communicator, you're a nonconformist and interested in the world. You are an explorer, a good storyteller, and a true dreamer. Because you're always on the move, you can be a bit fickle. It's difficult for you to make personal commitments. Don't be so quick to ignore emotional issues and problems. You're much more intuitive and psychic than you think. Souls you are most compatible with: Retrospective Soul and Dreaming Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Randomness, sorry!

I love my friends! I can always rely on them to be random (does that even make sense!?) and cheer me up, whether it's intentional or they're just being their odd selves, and that's why I love them. EVERY one of them!! :D <3

Just got back from meeting an old school friend who I hadnt seen for ages. I'd thought 'Yeah, I'll have a really good day not bothering about anything else for once' so got a lift down to Preston from my dad, & did have a good day. So, got the last bus home & got back about 11.40pm, and thought I'd just give my gran a ring, and turns out she'd been worried all day and feeling lonely cos nobody had visited her. I mean, my dad & brother hadnt even thought of going round. I go round nearly EVERY DAY and thought I'd have one day doing somthing else, stupidly assuming that they would take the initiative to go round. My gran is always asking about my brother and wants to see him, but as he's at school all week she only sees him at weekends, when he doesnt even talk anyway, he just sits there. I dont even know who Im suppposed to be annoyed at; my gran cant help feeling lonely I guess, but she cant even see how much of a bind it is for me, and my bro could TRY and make an effort, and my dad could actually think of going round and visiting. I cant do anything without telling everyone where I'm going and what I'm doing and tell them what to do when I'm not there. I dont want to have to do this at my age! I didnt ASK for this responsibility. I didnt ASK for the job of phoning my gran every night, I just got stuck with it as it used to be my mums job. I want to go and do whatever I want and not haev people depending on me. And how about how I feel? Does anybody actually care that I do actually get lonely?? Just because I dont go round telling everyone about it doesnt mean I'm always ok. And I dont want people around me all the time - it's nothing to do with that.
I keep thinking its ok, but I cant wait to leave.

Yay n stuff!!

I haven't updated this properly for ages, and lots of cool things have happened over the last few days that I should've written about!

All this week I've been trying to stick to the Cabbage Soup diet, which consists of eating cabbage soup (strangely enough) every day, along with loads of veg, fruit, and on 2 days fish and chicken. The day when I could only eat vegetables & the soup was really crap, cos I hate veg. Well, I like it with other things, like roast dinner or whatever, but I have a really sweeet tooth, and I honestly would prefer to eat cake all the time; not cos I'm greedy, but I just prefer sweet things! (If that makes sense...?) I tried to bake an onion, but it wasn't cooked properly and I felt sick for ages! *shudders* And I put too much garlic in the soup that day. The diet itself was quite hard, but once I start something, I do tend to stick to it - it's just the starting it that's hard. Anyhoo, I did it, and I lost - wait for it - 12lbs!!!!! In a week!! That's nearly a stone! WOOHOO!!! *does a (much lighter) jig of triumph*

Ooh ooh, Richard sent me copies of like, a million CDs in the post this morning - yay! I'll list them:

Fairport Convention - Liege and Lief
Karine Polwart - Faultlines
Martha Tilston - Rolling
Sandy Denny - The Anthology (disks 1 & 2)
Sandy Denny - Sandy Denny Box Set disk 1
Ushna - Brew it Up!
Rachel Unthank and the Winterset - Cruel Sister
Emiliana Torrini - Fishermans Woman
Alex Parks - Honesty
Kate Rusby - Underneath the Stars
Kate Rusby - Hourglass
Eliza Carthy - Eliza Carthy and the Kings of Calicutt
Eliza Carthy - Anglicana

Phew!! So, that's a good few hours of amazing music to listen to! Woohoo!! (Thanks Dicky! :D )

Aaaand I won a red velvet Laura Ashley armchair on Ebay, which I'm going to get as an Xmas prezzie! Yay! Here it is:




Oh and some people from the Lake District were on Ready Steady Cook, and one of them brought in some Garstang Blue cheese in their ingredients bag! Woot!! So, umm, I was quite excited about that for a few minutes... er, yes.

And one last thing; the second part of Ham's bday present FINALLY arrived today from Ebay, so I can post it at last! (Sorry for the delay Hamcsh! xXx)

Song of the Moment.....

'Minature Disasters' by KT Tunstall

I don't want to be second best
Don't want to stand in line
Don't want to fall behind
Don't want to get caught out
Don't want to do without
And the lesson I must learn
Is that I've got to wait my turn

Looks like I got to be hot and cold
I got to be taught and told
Got to be good as gold
But perfectly honest
I think it would be good for me
Coz it's a hindrance to my health
I'm a stranger to myself

Miniature disasters and minor catastrophies
Bring me to my knees
Well I must be my own master
Or a miniature disaster will be
It will be the death of me

I don't have to raise my voice
Don't have to be underhand
Just got to understand
That it's gonna be up and down
It's gonna be lost and found
And I can't take to the sky
Before I like it on the ground

And i need to be patient
And i need to be brave
Need to discover
How i need to behave
And I'll find out the answers
When i know what to ask
But i speak a different language
And everybody's talking too fast

Miniature disasters and minor catastrophies
Bring me to my knees

Well I must be my own master
or a miniature disaster will be
I've got to run a little faster
Or a miniature disaster will be
Well I need to know I'll last if a little
Miniature disaster hits me
It could be the death of me

I wonder...

If only I could read people's minds... hmm..... *ponders*

New haircut

Yay, had my hair cut!! It's much nicer now - being shorter has made it bouncier & wavier. This isn't the best photo, as it was taken on my camera phone. And WTF is wrong with my teeth?!? It looks like I'm wearing those novely plastic vampire teeth! - terrifying!! :-/

Mmm...

What is it about the mandolin that makes it so scrummy?? Ahhhh...

On second thoughts...

...no.

2nd post of the day.....

Song of the Moment.....

'The Blacksmith' by Steeleye Span

A blacksmith courted me nine months and better
He fairly won my heart, wrote me a letter
With his hammer in his hand he looked so clever
And if I were with my love, I would live forever

Oh where has my love gone with his cheeks like roses
He is gone across the sea gathering primroses
I'm afraid the shining sun might burn and scorch his beauty
And if I were with my love I would do my duty

Strange news is a-come to town, strange news is carried
Strange news flies up and down that my love is married
Oh I wish them both much joy, though they don't hear me,
And if I were with my love I'd do my duty

What did you promise me when you lay beside me?
You said you'd marry me and not deny me.
If I said I'd marry you twas only to try you,
So bring your witness love and I'll not deny you

Oh, witness I have none, save God Almighty
And may he reward you well for the slighting of me
Her lips grew pale and wan; it made her poor heart tremble
For to think she had loved one, and he proved deceitful

A blacksmith courted me nine months and better
He fairly won my heart, wrote me a letter
With his hammer in his hand he looked so clever
And if I were with my love, I would live forever

Uh oh...

Hmm, I had a strange revelation yesterday - I was feeling particularily odd, and was having one of those moments where all your reservations and hesitations disappear, and you wonder why you had them in the first place. I was particularly aware that I was me and not anyone else, and that I was completely responsible for myself and my actions, and what I choose to do/not to do. And actually, that I could do anything (within reason, obviously) and there's nothing to say that it's fated to go one way or the other. It was a strange feeling, but weirdly liberating, and gave me a little hope...
That made me think about something else I've been thinking about over the last couple of days. I haven't spoken to someone in a while, and when I do, I'm scared of what I might say. I might not be able to hold back, and anyway, is there really a point in holding things back, however small, and whether they're good or bad? I mean, it's good to be wary I guess, but what if something happened to you or the other person? Then they'd never know. I wonder if there's any point beating about the bush (ha ha I love that expression - wanted to use it for ages! Erm.) or whether I should just risk it. Not that I'd have any choice if I still feel like I do now.
I have a strange knot of emotion inside me (not quite sure what emotion tho; it keeps changing. One minute I'm laughing for no reason, then suddenly I want to cry.) I need somewhere to direct it, cos it's killing me.

Song of the Moment.....

'Life for Rent' by Dido

I haven't ever really found a place that I call home,
I never stick around quite long enough to make it.
I apologize that once again I'm not in love,
But it's not as if I mind that your heart ain't exactly breaking,
It's just a thought, only a thought...

But if my life is for rent, and I don't learn to buy,
Well I deserve nothing more than I get,
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

I've always thought that I would love to live by the sea,
To travel the world alone and live more simply.
I have no idea what's happened to that dream,
Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me...
It's just a thought, only a thought,

But if my life is for rent, and I don't learn to buy,
Well I deserve nothing more than I get,
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down,
While I'm so afraid to fail so I won't even try,
Well how can I say I'm alive?

But if my life is for rent, and I don't learn to buy,
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine...

Ramblings...

*sigh*

I don't know what's wrong with me at the moment. I'm feeling really emotional, and the slightest thing is making me tearful. I was watching Emmerdale (ok, I admit it! I like Emmerdale!! Happy now?!?) and some guy said something nice to his girlfriend, and I nearly burst into tears! I only didn't cos I was at my gran's, & I hate crying in front of people. Only a couple of people have seen me cry actually, and that was several years ago. And I think one of the times I was drunk; that's why I hardly drink now. Anyway, as I was saying, my emotions are really near the surface, and I feel like if I could just really cry then I'd feel better... but I'm not sure what I'd be crying about.

I used to like this time of year, there's something really special about this part of the year... almost mystical, and a time for sadness and reflection and resting, but now it's just making me feel depressed, and I'm scared if I get into that state I won't get out of it again. I used to like the sadness, and sitting around listening to sad songs & moping about - there's something really self indulgent about it, and okay, probably quite selfish too. ...but this year I realised I didn't need it any more. Though I think I'm so used to feeling like that, that it's become a sort of habit, and feels safe. I thought I'd avoid feeling like this this year, after having a good year generally, but the melancholy's back and I cant seem to shake it.
This year was the first year in ages that I actually felt genuinely happy and positive about the future. I'd worked out what I wanted to do, after years of just doing art because I was good at it, but I had never thought whether I actually wanted to. People just assumed I must do, as I was good at it. Which is fair enough I suppose, and a logical conclusion, but it meant I didn't really have a say in the matter, and what's more, I didn't realise that! If I had then it may have been different. Or maybe not, I dunno.
So anyway, for some reason it always had to be art or music, and I think I made the wrong choice... I should've kept art as a hobby and concentrated on music. Not that I'd change it if I could go back, knowing who and what I know now; if I hadn't studied Illustration at Derby then I would never have met so many wonderful people, and that includes my online friends too!
Anyway, the past year was just spent waiting for uni to be over so I could concentrate on music again, and though uni was tedious, I felt brilliant just knowing what I wanted to do at last! I'd done really well convincing myself I could do anything (well, within reason. Mostly anyway...) and I really did believe that if I tried hard enough, had enough confidence (which I was well on the way to getting) and made the right contacts, with a little bit of luck thrown in, then I could succeed in what I want to do. I had so much hope and enthusiasm (dunno where it came from!!)
Everything was inspiring me, and I wasn't bothered about things anymore. I'd not much liked summertime before, but this year everything was made better because I felt so confident about things. But now... I don't know what's happened - I know I will feel different, as Bean said, but I need to feel different now. It's crippling, this feeling; I can't do anything.

I met Steve Knightley!!!

Woohoo! I finally met Steve Knightley, my hero!

Ok so he looks a little confused... and I look like I'm about to collapse and die, but still!! Weyyyyy! *boogies*

Erm, yes, that'll be all for now *goes away & faints*

Sigh

I can totally understand how people can get to a certain age, having not done anything they wanted to do, and be completely bored and unsatisfied with their life. It was never meant to be that way, but somehow it just turned out like that, and for whatever reason, your real goals aren't an option any more,or you dont believe you can achieve them any more etc.
I guess this is because in order to do everything you always wanted to do, ultimately you have to be selfish, or at least act in a way & make decisions which will make it seem that way to others. So, either you can be completely selfless and think about other people and their feelings, which feels like the right thing to do, but might leave you completely stuck and kind of second best to yourself (which seems completely wrong.) It may make you feel good about yourself to do things for other people, but might get you nowhere in the end, having always thought that you 'big break' or whatever would come later, and be more deserved because you put on hold the things you wanted for yourself.
The other option is: you can concentrate solely on yourself, maybe still with other people in mind, but choosing to do things or devote your time to things that in the end might leave others worse off. Not worse off in a huge way, but it's possible to end up thinking like: 'If only I'd done that for them, or waited a while longer to do this then it might have been better for them...' And also, there might be guilt that you didn't do enough, or even the possible resentment if you give up too much of your time and do too much. Somehow it doesn't seem possible to just balance the two.
I'm not saying having a family/partner/kids etc in any way is always a burden (it might not even be family, could be friends, or any other situation in which you feel obliged to put others first or simply forget about your needs for a while), but I think with a family you have to be selfless, which leads to what I said before. This brings me to relationships in general: as I was saying to Bean last night, if I ever got married (or was in any type of potentially long term relationship) whoever I was with would have to feel the same way as me, and not mind if I went off and did my own thing all the time. I mean, I think it's a bit unlikely to be honest... sigh. Maybe I'm just scared of commitment... I can't stand to be tied down, the same way I hate planning things! And routine!! Argh!
Even with making a living; you could concentrate on earning money, which would (perhaps for most people, not for all, obv) play a big part in your general happiness, but might mean you sacrifice your dreams (cheeeeese!!!) or don't fully enjoy your career; or on the other hand you could take a huge chance and embark on a career that probably wont bring you loads of money, but in which you would be much happier. Though the lack of money might counter that, and make you unhappy! Arg!! Why does it have to be so complicated ?! *dies*

AT LAST!!!!! *boogie*

Does anyone remember the amazingly fantastic TV series Maid Marian & her Merry Men? It ran quite a few years, from 1989 (which I didn't see first time round) until about 1993 I think, and was then and always will be the best kids program ever! Er, anyway, what was my point? Ah YES!! After literally years of waiting for it to be brought out on video (yes, video - not DVD - that's how long I've been waiting!!) series 1 & 2 are now out on DVD! And series 3 is out at the end of this month! All of which I've ordered already, obviously...

Oh, but the highlight of my day has been finding a photo of Much the Mini Mart Manager's son!! (from the Maid Marian Christmas special!) LOL! I've been completely in love with him since I was 8 years old... Here he is:

Ahh, isn't he gorgeous?? *swoons*

Er, anyway, instead of working as I'm supposed to, I've wasted the morning looking for more pictures from the show; here are a few classic ones. Some are slightly disturbing...

That's enough for now, methinks. I'd better get on with some work, before I go completely insane... I'm sure more pics will creep into my blogs from time to time :D

Folk on a Boat!!

OMG, was just talking to Rich T about canal boats (my dad said he might get one one day for holidays, & I could rent it off him & live on it most of the year! Though it may just be an excuse to get rid of me; he's even started buying me Canal Boat magazine...) when he had the amazing idea that we could turn it in to a floating folk club, and have Folk on a Boat as the name!! HOW hilarious & amazing would that be?! Bwahahahaa!! Just floating and playing and singing all day long! Would be like a never ending gig! LOL!! I just had to write it down 'cos it's such a cool idea! Ahhh, living on a boat would mean I'd never have to decide whereabouts in the country to live, 'cos I love all of England & I'm not looking forward to choosing one part of the country in which to live... anyhoo, a boat would solve that, & although I'd probably be based in a marina near here, I could travel anywhere & visit all my friends whenever I wanted! Ahhhh... *daydreams* And for protection I'd have a gorgeous German Shepherd (as in the dog, not some random burly hill dwelling boy. Although on second thoughts...)

Toby was really dumb today; we went for a really long walk down the canal, and he was doing a wee near the edge of the bank, when it crumbled, and his bottom fell in!! Derrrrrrr!!!
Not his front feet; just his bottom! I glanced at him & I almost knew it was going to happen, then I just heard a *ploop* and then there was a silly doggy with a very soggy bottom! He scrambled out, and walked off with his chin in the air like "I'm fine! I didn't just do that!!" What a stoopid dawgy. Awww!!!!

Woo! I'm rich!!!

Okay, not really, but after a summer of literally not having ANY money, a cheque for £509.10 is an extremely welcome thing. And it is quite an easy job, listing things on Ebay... boring at times, but the convenience & relative easiness makes up for that. Plus, I get to go shopping!! As a job! Now, in my opinion, you can't get much better than that LOL!

Ooh ooh, the Kate Rusby gig was AMAZING!! It definately lived up to my expectations... and has really inspired and motivated me to get on with things, especially as she never had 'proper' guitar lessons, and actually made up loads of the chords she used! Plus, she played violin when she was at primary school, but gave up 'cos she found the music she had to follow uninspiring and restrictive (sound familiar?! Hmm!) & didn't understand why there were such strict rules to playing, like the bow going up or down at certain times, & it was 'wrong' if you didn't follow it... Anyway, she's really lovely and really funny - and I bought her songbook! Yay!! Which incidentally, has a traditional song I love song called The Female Drummer, which I really wanted to be able to play, so now I have the chords n stuff for it! I didn't even know she had sung that song, so that was a stroke of luck! Tho now if I sing it it's gonna seem like it's cos she did... but I loved it before!! Meh, oh well! I really wanted the book signed, but she didn't appear for some reason after the gig... oh well, next time! All in all twas a very good evening, and I will def go to more of her gigs. Yesh!

*adds Kate Rusby to stalkage list*

Another productive day..... or not.

Well, I didn't get any work done today; I spent all day rushing around, being out and about, but I somehow didn't actually get anything done... how does that happen?? Grr. Anyway, that means I'll havta do twice as much tomorrow. *sigh*

Ah yes! I sent the invoice off for the social services commission yesterday! So, £500 should be winging its way to me shortly... I'm SO not letting it all go towards bills. I might treat myself. I really want a new violin actually; mine seems to have gone a bit wonky... hmm, I might have a browse, yesh yesh.

I was walking Toby in the school grounds today, and I nearly trod on a headless pigeon! Wah!! Actually, there's something very strange about one of the ponds over there; on the top playing field, there's a kind of copse round the edge, and in the middle of that there's an overgrown pond with really steep banks so you cant see the edge til you stand right at the edge, and there's a huge oak tree by the side of it. I've never been right down to the pond as it feels like here's something not quite right about it... I don't know what it is, but I always hurry past it (I walk the circuit of the field with Toby) and it feels like I'm being watched. Though at the same time I'm weirdly drawn to it - I don't have to walk past it - but I can't help it. It's been that way since I was a kid, but I've never quite dared to go right down to the edge. I've seen eagles circling there, which is quite unusual, and a week or so ago I saw something huge and bird-like with white & grey feathers out of the corner of my eye. It flew behind the tree so I didn't see it properly, but then there was a commotion in the cow field beside the playing field, and loads of feathers fell. I was a bit scared but I went over and peered under the hedge (it's quite high and dense) but something flapped in the long grass so I ran away! I collected a few of the feathers - they're huge. Anyway, it feels kind of dangerous but peaceful, and all the rabbits & squirrels & hedgehogs & things seem to gather there and sit round the edge of the pond - I've even seen woodpeckers there, and like I said, eagles. I heard them again the other day too. Oh yeah, anyway - I mentioned the dead pigeon, but the day before that I found the leg of a bird, and a couple of days before, a really 'neat' half a rabbit! *shudders* Probably just foxes or something, but I was a bit freaked out, and why did it just take the pigeon's head?! Oo er! LOL!! Anyhoo, that was all a bit exciting.

Ooh, I've just remembered: I'm going to a Kate Rusby gig for the first time on Saturday! Yay!!! She be purdy n talented n spiffy!

This is her:

*blank stare*

Now what was I going to type? I cant remember.
I think it was going to be in a mild rant sort of vein... oh well. It will be anyway, no doubt.

I've been really exhausted lately, but I can't make myself go to bed early or even just do less; I have to be doing something all the time. I don't even watch TV anymore! Well, not that I ever did watch much. Just Waking the Dead, Midsomer Murders, Miss Marple, Sea of Souls & Afterlife, and even they're not all on at the same time of year as each other. Any of you who have never watched any of those, find out when they are on and WATCH THEM! I have 2 episodes of Midsomer Murders, 2 episodes of Afterlife, second half of Blackbeard, and Folk Britannia on video waiting for me to watch them! Er, anyhoo, I'm getting sidetracked again. Which isn't that hard to do really. What was I saying... ah yes; I really have no time anymore somehow! Even my obsession with MySpace is waning due to non-usage! GASP!! Actually, that's probably a good thing come to think of it. And the people who matter I have email addresses for, so MySpace isn't essential any more anyway.

So, what've I been upto this week? Well, last week as well actually. Like I said; I don't seem to have any time whatsoever for anything interesting... I've finally started selling on Ebay again (I'll post a link when I officially open my shop) so hopefully it won't be long before I have money again. Though for the most part it'll go towards paying off my debts *sigh*

I get up most days at 8.30am, cos if I leave it any later, eg if I get up at 9.30 or 10am, Toby has recovered after his 7am walk with my dad, and wants another walk as soon as I get up, whereas if I get up earlier, I can fit in a couple of hours of work or whetever while Toby's sleeping off his morning exercise. So, I take him for a walk between 10-12am, which takes about an hour, then I have lunch, do some more work, take Toby out again at 2pm, do some more work, cycle to my grans at 5pm maybe, cycle back a couple of hours later, then more Ebay-ness! It may not sound like much, but it is. Oh, AND I've been clearing the whole house room by room since about mid August - the house is a tip, literally... none of you will actually be able ot imagine how bad it was... it looks like a someone ransacked a charity shop, and then added the contents of a skip for good measure. Anyway, it's not too bad now, but I refuse to go in the out-house (which is now joined onto the house cos of the conservatory) because of the amount of slugs & things... *shudders* I mean, I'm not squeamish, but slugs are the most repulsive thigs in the world, and make me want to puke. I don't mind spiders, which is just as well really; I found at least 20 huge wolf spiders in the conservatory over the course of the day.

Aha yes! I found my Steeleye Span CD today! I'd forgotten how good it was!! "With his hammer in his hand, he looked so clever, and if I was with my love, I'd live forever!" *sings*

Anyway, that's enough pointless rambling for one night; there's lots more I could write but I'll save it for another day...

Night night x

Eden
You have eden eyes. Eden is the color of water. Your eyes symbolize your great flexibility. You are a creative person. You can think of many good ways to get your point across to people as you have very good communication abilities. When someone feels down or is hurt, you have the remarkable ability to help them and heal them. If you have too little going on in your life, you may be withdrawn and depressed, timid, manipulative, unreliable, stubborn, or suspicious. Some words to describe you: peaceful, sincere, affectionate, tranquil, intuitive, trustworthy, pure, loyal, healing, and stable.

by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!

Holidays...

Hmm, no one's on msn, and I have nothing else to do, so I may as well write in my blog... I'm awful at keeping these things up to date. Hmm, what have I been up to lately? Ah, I guess I should update on my holiday - went to Germany & Italy for a month with my dad & my bro... Germany's lovely, the people are so friendly! Food's a bit stodgy, but when all else fails, shnitzel & chips is always good. Anyway, we took the ferry (my favourite part of the whole holiday!) from Hull to Rotterdam (watched the latest X-men film at the ferry cinema - slightly random, but good.) Then we drove down throught the Netherlands, staying in Heidelberg for 10 days to visit our next door neighbour who lives in Germany for most of the year. Then we drove through the Swiss Alps (throught the windy mountain passes - another fave bit of the hol!) down to near Milan where my aunt lives. Stayed a week in a lovely lakeside villa - though I had a commission to finish which took up most of my free time... Anyway, then we drove back up to Darmstadt, and stayed with some friends there for 10 days, then back up through The Netherlands, back across on the ferry to Hull, then home. Arg! I cjust couldnt make all that sound interesting; I just wanted to get it all down. I might update later if I remember anything particularily interesting about the hol... anyhoo.

Went to Greenbelt festival last weekend!! Was brill, weyyyyy! Lots of cool music, including a folk club consisiting of stereotypical bearded, waistcoat wearing folkies. That was fun, but I wasn't quite brave enough to sing anything myself..... lol! Maybe next year :)
I had the worst tent ever though! Bean kidly lent me her spare tent, but unfortunately it wasnt long enough for me!! And wasn't quite waterproof either. So for the first two nights I kicked my sleeping bag around, getting stressed and nearly freezing to death, and close to tears. Sounds stupid I know... but it was like those nights you just can't get to sleep & you're either too hot or too cold, and the duvet is trying to strangle you and you feel really teary... And both mornings my clothes were damp and cold. So, the 3rd night I moved in with Bean & her mum in their big tent! Yay! So I actually got some sleep that night.
What else, what else? Hmm, there was general festival activity, such as washing hair under cold water taps, walking half a mile to decent toilets (or holding your breath in the nearby portaloos) and general muddyness. Er, there was a cool bubble stall/tent where we spent hours chasing huuuuuge bubbles and throwing foam at each other! And a cool pirate guy selling candle powered motor boats, and the Tiny Tea Tent!!!!! THE best place there!

I have a few things to do this week, now that pesky social services commission is over I actually have time to do things I WANT to do. I have a painting to do for Richard - a pic to accompany the song 'Crazy Man Michael' by Sandy Denny - that will be fun - 'tis the best song ever!! Aaaand I've finished the pic of Christianna that I promised her; it's a pic of her in her lovely gypsy clothes! Though I really want to turn it into a painting, so I'll buy some biiiig paper and do that... And I've been meaning to do a painting inspired by Liselotte's photography - she takes fantastic Belle Epoch/fantasy/Gothic style photees! You can find her on DeviantArt under the name minnaloushe... er, anything else? Tum te tum... Oh, art trade with ShiverZ!! (Sorry it's taken so long Loaf; damn social services proj took way longer than expected! Still, they were really really pleased with it, so that's something at least. Oh, and the money of course! Heh heh.) Also, Ham if you read this - perhaps an art trade is in order?? We haven't done one in a while.

And again.

Why? 'Cos I'm stupid & unrealistic. Yes, I'll feel different again soon, as always, but it won't change a thing. Nothing at all, I can pretend everything's going a certain way; even go so far as to convince myself - I've got good at that. But it won't make a difference, none at all. But you can't think things into reality... at least, there's limit to how much can be changed just by thinking and willing it to be that way. Ah, listen to me, rambling yet again. Oh well, maybe typing it out will get it all out of my head, so I'm less likely to bore people to death in person.

Another thing that's bothering me is; I need to kick start my career. Well, at least, the first steps of it. I shouldn't be hanging around, dithering and messing about; thinking about all the things that could go wrong. Truth be told, I'm scared of both failing and being successful... how ridiculous is that? I mean, obviously I want to be successful, but at the same time it terrifies me as well. Life in general is the same; things may be monotonous and predictable at the moment, but I'm comforted by the certainty that every day will be more or less the same, with nothing out of the ordinary to challenge me in any way whatsoever. Even if it's not what I want it to be like, it's safe, and in order to break away from that I need to take a big leap. Trouble is, I don't know how, or where I'm supposed to 'leap' to. Once I'm start, I'll be fine, but that's the hardest part. I'm on autopilot at the moment; everything I do, and every conversation I have is the same as the one before, and I seem to know exactly where everything is leading. I can't see any change, but change is exactly what I need.

I don't know what to do. 

Hmm, what to do, what to do... what do I do next? *sigh*

Song of the Moment...

“Be Lucky” by Show of Hands

I was seventeen in a painted caravan
Where I went to get my fortune told,
There on Haven Banks, I held out my hand
Asking can you see what the future holds?
And she said: be smart or lucky,
If you can’t break the mold, break the rules,
Make friends or money,
But if you would be king, be cruel.

I went out in the world, I lived in London town
Though I knew that those streets weren’t paved with gold,
I looked up to a man, and he never let me down
But he said: if you want your music sold
You should be smart or lucky,
If you can’t break the mold, break the rules,
And you will make friends or money,
But if you would be king, be cruel,
You’d better be cruel.

There is no clockwork in the stars,
No one cares how good you are,
Look around the world is full
Of hungry souls who want it all,
Space inside they have to fill,
Friendship they’re prepared to kill,
Hunger it’s their guiding light
They scratch, they claw, they push, they fight
Just to be lucky
Vote for me, vote for me.

Now I’ve come so far, people ask for clues saying
How have you found the peace you’ve earned?
It was one night in a bar, a young man on the move
Asked me what’s the one thing that you’ve learned?
And I said: be smart or lucky,
If you can’t break the mold, break the rules,
Cos you will make friends or money,
And if you would be king, be cruel.
You’d better be cruel
So cruel
You have to be cruel.

How much do you want the prize?
Will you freely sacrifice
Your pride and your integrity
For fortune and celebrity?
Break the rules
You’d better be cruel
Break the rules
Be lucky.


(Lyrics copyright to Steve Knightley)

I knew it

See? What did I tell myself?? It didn't last, as usual. Why don't I just wait? Honestly, I should have known...! *dances around a bit* :D

Hmm.

Things I thought were going to go right aren't going right after all... I'm so confused. Why am I always like this? Why do I let it get to me?? IT DOESN'T MATTER. Like it was gonna go right anyway. I'm so paranoid about everything... I need something to occupy me. The world doesn't revolve around this one thing... yet it seems to when I'm just sat here, bored out of my head. I should know better; it always happens... I know the signs. But it'll pass. Might be different tomorrow... or maybe not. But probably.

I can't breathe.

Erm...

I cycled into town today, and I went into a cool little shop/cafe called The Mustard Seed (sells fairtrade stuff & purdy carved African thingummys) which joins onto the church hall, where I used to go to a youth club type thingy. Anyway, I was browsing round and bought some odds and ends, but as I turned to leave, the old guy behing the counter said "Don't I know you from somewhere?" and I was like, "Doh!!" you see, this always happens; people who recognise me from when I was little jump out at me and ask me annoying questions like "What are you doing with your life?" Anyway, this guy rambled on at me about his plans to make improvements to the shop and cafe, and asked me about uni etc, so I said "Well, I've just completed an art course, but really I'd like to be a musician," at which point two middle aged, churchy type women appeared, and the old guy said: "This is Amelia! She was one of the grubs!!" (I think he was referring to when I went to the youth club, but grub?? WTF?!) Anyway, the woman asked me what instruments I play, and I said "Well, I play guitar, violin, and just bought a mandolin." They then asked me what style I played, and I said "Er, folky type stuff," to which they seemed slightly baffled about. Then one woman left, and another younger woman arrived from the kitchen - she was probably about 30 ish - and the middle aged woman said "This is Amelia! She plays the blah blah etc," at which point the younger woman leapt on me and hugged me, and said "Ooh! Musicians are like gold dust to us!!" to which I said, "Er...?" She then went on to tell me about her plans for some kind of musical youth club for older kids, where they could meet and "play rock music, and not rock music!" (her words...) Anyway, I'm not exactly sure what she was asking me to do... I was a little distracted by her teeth (They were huge. Nice, but huge. She was one of those jolly, teethy, boggly eyed church types. She randomly looked like Michaela Strachan.) Anyway, I think the idea was that she wanted me to help run it, along with some students from Lancaster Uni who they'd already roped into helping. And for some reason I gave them my phone number - I just wanted to get away!! Anyhoo, I'm not sure exactly what I agreed to in the end... Oh well. Might be fun... *ulp*

On a different note: I have a tan!! For the first time in my life I'm actually not see-through! I look almost healthy... *jigs for joy*

Ooh, and I logged on to DeviantArt today, and found that I'd been randomly given a week free subscription! Weyyyyy!! Basically, that means bigger thumbnail viewing, erm... more advanced journal stuff... umm... hmm. Well, that's all actually, but it's FREE!!! Woo! Check out my DA site for lots of luvverly pictures:

www.silverlode.deviantart.com